You're Demented
by copyninkun
Summary: KakaYama week 2014 prompts and the subsequent drabbles. First time writing anything that wasn't meant for school.
1. Team 7

It was unmistakable. Naruto had gone a little too far this time.

Yamato rolled his eyes and breathed out a heavy sigh between his teeth. He had to think of something to say. First to calm the girl down before she exploded and beat her teammate into a stain on the ground, secondly to cut in before the socially awkward artist articulated in no uncertain terms what had happened for everyone's displeasure, and finally, to slice the tension before the newly-returned-previously-missing-nin simply gave up and headed out into the forest as a runaway again.

Honestly, he wouldn't blame him.

"Naruto. Say excuse me, please", he intoned, his voice heavy with despair, exhaustion, and if he were truly being honest with himself – a touch of amusement. He'd be dead before he admitted in front of the team that what Naruto had done was a regular competition in his home.

"Ne, ne, Yamato taicho! Sorry about that, Iruka sensei took me out last night to celebrate, and I guess I have a bit of explosive ga-" Naruto began, before the brutal fists of his cotton-floss coloured hair teammate rained down upon him in unyielding fury.

Yamato watched dispassionately as Sakura brought blow upon blow down on Naruto's golden hair, as Sai watched with a curved eye smile, and Sasuke unceremoniously – and quite disgustingly – upturned his simple lunch into a mess that the bushes and soil would have to swallow. Yamato thought distractedly that he should somehow make up for the disservice to the forest.

"Maa…did you all kill that cat? You were meant to rescue it, but I believe I can smell it rotting" came the voice of the previous team leader as he appeared among them.

"Senpai, it seems that we have completed the mission, nothing out of the ordinary to report, I'll just finish up the paper work and we can- " Yamato began as he raised his hand in a friendly salute to greet Kakashi.

An incredulous dark grey eye pierced his own as it somehow simultaneously rolled in amusement.

"Then what died" he simply stated as he cut into Yamato's point.

The awkward fanning which up until this point Yamato had been doing with his hands suddenly stopped as Sai happily and with much enthusiasm informed his team's previous captain that "Naruto farted. And it smells like sulfuric hot springs, eggs, and rotting vegetation!""

Sasuke had returned from his undignified traipse in the bushes, and as he wiped his mouth he tilted his head to take in Naruto's mangled form that had appeared under Sakura's wrath. Great. How was he supposed to drag the blonde home now? Moreover, how could he even begin to think about their nightly activities with that horrific stench still burning his nostrils? Shuddering, he thought back to what the girl had been through – bending over to retrieve the lost cat, she had been face-first in greeting Naruto's odorous contribution to the team's effort. He quickly ran through his usual internal musings, of how any of them had made jonin status considering their questionable loyalty, ridiculously childish behaviour, and potentially sociopathic tendencies.

"Kakashi. The mission is complete." He stated with a blank face to his previous sensei, as though neither of them were fully aware that minutes ago he had been loudly puking his guts out off to the side, "Yamato taicho said he'd bring the report to the mission desk, so if it's alright I'll be on my way", he completed, throwing a weary glance at Naruto's crumpled form as it began to raise itself off of the dirt of the forest floor.

"Mmmmm, it seems that my sweet students are coming along just swimmingly!" Kakashi enthused as he blatantly ignored the scene before him, giving them his requisite eye-smile and turning to Yamato, "I would say that our mission was a complete success!"

Yamato sighed and pulled out the empty scroll of their mission report, fully aware that he would have to be the one who filled it out. As much as it pained him to be Kakashi's subordinate sometimes, he knew it would simply be easier to do the work, keep quiet, and get it over it. Otherwise he'd never have a moment to himself or with the man himself.

Sakura stormed off with Sai's arm in her hand as she growled about seeing Kiba about a cure, and Sasuke collected his permanent roommate's mangled body into his arms.

As Yamato neatly wrote in the pertinent details of their mission – Lady Tsunade had personally guaranteed that all members of Team 7 past and present were to be relegated to D-rank missions until the public had accepted Sasuke's return – he thought back to how all members had wholeheartedly nodded their consent to this horrifying indictment on their futures.

As he waved his hand in a flourish to sign his code name, he spoke to the desk he was writing on, which had sprung a worryingly cheeky and concerning concentrated expression – "Kakashi, if you even think about farting on me like Naruto, you're going to sleep in the kennel for the next month".

Kakashi thought about the odds, thought about their home-life, thought about his odds, then with a grin, he happily –

"pfffffffffft!"


	2. Paperwork

Yamato sighed and pressed his fingers against his temples for the third time in the past hour. Slowly massaging his aching head, he suppressed a wry smirk and instead let out a tired huff of air.

He would be lying if he said he wasn't enjoying it, but to be frank, at times the amount of signing, reading, writing, and general office work he found piled up in their kitchen was more daunting than amusing.

Ever since Kakashi had been named Hokage, Yamato found his life to be somewhat more complicated.

It had taken quite a bit of cajoling, bribery, and convincing before Kakashi had – in true Kakashi fashion – shrugged his shoulders and drawled out that, "Maa, if you're saying you have no one better, then I suppose there's nothing left to say".

Of course this consent to the position had come right after one of the elders had grudgingly pushed forward a boxed set of Jiraiya's first published works across the table to Kakashi's pale and greedy fingers.

Yamato had splurged on a very expensive bottle of sake and mustered up as lavish a dinner as an orphaned-science-experiment-awkward- ex-anbu could manage. Just because Kakashi didn't see the honour and importance of this title didn't mean he couldn't somewhat celebrate his boyfriend's achievements.

Kakashi had drank most of the sake and chewed through half of the dinner before he had begun leering at Yamato and spouting off some rubbish about 'Hokage perks' and something frighteningly concerning a 'wooden harem for his needs'. The rest of the evening was a blur of blushing, moaning, embarrassment, and heat.

Rubbing his temples Yamato removed himself from that train of thought. He needed all of his blood in his brain, thank you very much, and recalling that evening would certainly have rerouted his much needed blood elsewhere.

"Ten~zou!" came the call from the adjacent bedroom, and Yamato could swear that somehow Kakashi had injected little heart-shapes into the way he called his name.

"It's Yamato, I'm home", he responded back with the light reminder that even though they were in their own home, Kakashi ought to respect his desire to be called by his most recent code-name. Although Yamato wasn't too particular about what the name was, he preferred for his own compartmentalization to be aware of which name was being used at what time.

"Right, right, Yamato", Kakashi acknowledged as he trudged out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where Yamato was standing and nervously eyeing the mountain of paperwork to his left, Yamato noted with buried amusement that Kakashi was wearing nothing but sandals, socks, and his Hokage cloak, "you wouldn't believe what they made me do today."

"Oh? Is it something worse than napping all day and reading your crappy books? Because as our new hokage Kakashi, I have to say you've perfected those tasks" Yamato stated evenly. Was it his imagination or did the pile grow as he was giving it a dirty look? He had to stare anywhere but at Kakashi's blalent exhibitionism. That would give him too much to run away with.

Kakashi feigned an innocent and hurt expression as he placed his hand over his heart, "Tenzou, you wound me! Of course I did more than nap and read! I also ate lunch today". Kakashi beamed at his excellent reply, striking a slightly awkward pose of pride.

"But they did ask me to go over the new agreements between just a few of the nations…maybe also to look at some team rosters…and possibly a new genin curriculum…oh and just a little bit of departmental financial allocations…oh and Genma's recent complaints…but you know how it is, kage this and kage that…it seems that most of it somehow got –"

"Kakashi. I'm not forging your signature anymore. Come on, just sign the forms so we can have dinner and for once I won't be in danger of being locked up by Ibiki for some unholy form of forgery treason!" Yamato said with an exasperated tone as he removed his face-plate and flak-jacket. Honestly, Kakashi could get away with almost anything when he made that…oh no. Please no. Not the face. Not on top of the nudity…

Without his mask on, as he usually ripped the thing off as soon as he walked through the door, Kakashi was a number one leading expert on the puppy dog face. His eyes would somehow expand to almost comic proportions, and his asymmetrical lips would begin to quiver and pout. Sometimes Yamato would swear that he could see little sniffling exclamation marks begin to form in the air behind him.

"Fine. I'll sign, but I'm not reading. The least you can do is make dinner. Don't burn the damned kitchen down while you're at it" Yamato relented and took the first pile of paperwork out to the living-room table.

"Tenzou, you make a man very happy to be with you" Kakashi began to spout as he wandered off to explore the fridge for something to toss together. The rest of the awful poetry he was waxing sweet about getting lost amongst the contents of the crisper drawer. Yamato managed to catch a small quip about a 'wife' and 'no unnecessary organs'. He didn't want to know.

As the delicious smell of a non-burning dinner began to waft into the living room, Yamato looked at the three piles of forged signatures he had completed of that evening's paperwork and cast a weary glance at the remaining four. Glancing around, he waited until Kakashi's back was clearly bent over the stove before he hissed out "Pakkun! Pakkun!", and the little stout pug appeared nonchalantly before his eyes.

"Hn. What is it, wood-boss?" the dog asked with a bored expression. Yamato quickly wondered what the phrase 'hang dog look' meant and buried it before saying, "Don't call me that. Steak in it if you and the pack eat those piles. Now. Before he turns around".

Pakkuns eyes widened as the thought of a juicy steak dangled in his mind, "Sure, no problem", he gruffed out, and in a flash three other nin-ken appeared and removed the horrible piles of paperwork.

As Kakashi entered the living-room, Yamato pretended to sign a form that already bore the hokage's signature.

"All done! It looks like you're all done in here, so are you ready to eat?" Kakashi asked with a crinkled eye-smile. Yamato noted that he had at some point tied an oddly effeminate apron over his groin under the cloak.

He smiled a look of relief at his boyfriend as he unfolded his legs and stretched out his back, "All done, I'm famished", he replied.

"Good. Since I figured that the paperwork appetizer that the dogs had for dinner would be enough, I made the steak for us instead"

Yamato's face fell as he thought of the apologizing and pleading he'd have to do with Pakkun to make up for the ruse. He hated groveling to the little pug.

"Oh, and Ten~zouuu?" Kakashi continued.

"Yeah, Kashi?" Yamato asked wearily.

With a bright eye-smile Kakashi simply replied with a dirty leer, "I'll still need you to go over some of the Hokage's orders tonight to make up for this dog-ate-my-paperwork- scheme"

Yamato rubbed his temples for the fourth time that hour.


	3. Gender Bend

"This is so embarrassing" Kakashi grouched as he trudged along with Yamato down the evening streets of the Konoha market, "You're enjoying this aren't you?", He followed up with a narrowed even eye aimed Yamato.

He continued on his self-pitying rambles, "You are actually getting pleasure from seeing me suffer, aren't you? That's sick, Tenzou. Sick."

"Yamato." He corrected with a shrug, and then turned to face his unruly and visibly unhappy boyfriend, "And I will neither confirm nor deny these heinous allegations." Yamato's shining grin told the copy-nin that his boyfriend was indeed one sick puppy.

"Anyhow," Yamato continued, "this is entirely your fault, cupcake. If there's anyone who's sick it's you with your incessant need to meet every single one of Gai's challenges, when are you going to learn to walk away?"

Kakashi mused for about one second of deep though before he rebutted the argument with the extremely childish counter of, "It's Gai's fault then."

"Either way," Yamato said as he loaned Kakashi a supportive hand that was quickly rebuffed, "your audience is waiting, and you know how Anko and Genma get when they're disappointed." He once again tried to comfort Kakashi who was now pulling at any fabric his hands could get on to try and cease his unyielding discomfort. With a smirk, Yamato was happy to see that there was no sanctuary in that regard. Neither for the man's humility, nor for his new chest.

"This is utterly humiliating. I'm not doing it." Kakashi stated firmly, and with a child-like bullheadedness he froze in his steps, "I'm not doing it. I won't do it….do I have to do it?" he looked pleadingly at Yamato.

Now normally Yamato liked to think of himself as a fountain of kindness and empathy. He did after all, have to read all the same embarrassing books at Sai just in order to catch up with regular social interactions. But this was simply too good for him to give up.

"Absolutely you do" He said to Kakashi, confirming the mans worst nightmares. "It's your own damned fault for losing such a stupid bet to Gai. Time to pay up."

With a hand on Kakashi's considerably smaller sized small of the back, he gently guided the miserable man inside the karaoke bars' doors.

"You're on stage in two, Kashi. Knock 'em dead."

He gave a less than friendly shove as Kakashi wobbled forward to pick up the microphone.

As Kakashi stared at the song, which was some ludicrous nonsense about a youthfully vital one finding his true love among some godforsaken blossoms, he adjusted his bra, extracted his panties from the wedgie they were forming, and thought to himself, 'If Gai ever challenges me to a henge competition that the loser has to maintain the form of, just forfeit." He thought the last part of that musing as he recalled how Gai's thick-eyebrowed and oddly muscular female-henge had given him a nosebleed. As he raised the mic to his still mask-covered mouth, he gave one final goodbye to his dignity, and breathed deeply, ready to give the song his all.

Yamato cruelly blew him a kiss as he began to warble a line about love overcoming all barriers in the water. To Kakashi it seemed that his sick boyfriend ether loved his female form, or was actually sadistic enough to derive pleasure from this gender-bending finale of bet.


End file.
